Dear Admiral Piett
by Apollaskywalker
Summary: Right after his promotion, Admiral Piett receives some unusual offers based upon the life expectancy of Imperial officers. Epistolary drabbles - most assuredly meant to be humorous.
1. Coruscant Life Mutual

Author's Note: On a recent rewatch of ESB, I joked that Piett would probably be filing for life insurance immediately following the Battle of Hoth.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Dear Admiral Piett,

Congratulations on your promotion. You may be aware that Coruscant Life Mutual is the number one rated life insurance company in all the galaxy! As an admiral, you are eligible to receive a special discount and options!

You never know when the Rebels may win and leave your family without support.

Contact us for further information.

Again, congratulations on your promotion!

Coruscant Life Mutual

_Our Family is There for Your Family_


	2. Botonrym & Fochul Associates

Dear Admiral Piett,

Congratulations on your promotion!

We know this is a joyous time for you, your family, and your friends. You worked hard to earn this promotion and deserve it.

But the Rebel Alliance is becoming bolder and their threat is more potent now than ever before. Perhaps it's time to look over your will and make sure your affairs are in order?

Sincerely,

Jukas Botonrym, Esq.

_Botonrym & Fochul Associates_


	3. Moriett Funeral Homes

Dear Admiral Piett,

Congratulations on your promotion!

We here at Moriett Funeral Homes have had the pleasure of assisting many elderly members of the Imperial Fleet and we wish to extend an offer of our services to you and your family.

Military life is filled with hazards and you and your loved ones can rest assured knowing your final resting place is safe in our hands.

Please contact us for more information,

Loreen Hutah Director of Sales & Marketing, Moriett Funeral Homes

_Be remembered how you want to be!_


	4. Out With Ozzel, In With Piett

Author's Note: This section takes place from Admiral Ozzel's death to when the Executor begins to follow the Falcon after the Battle of Hoth. The lines are meant to separate the letters/journal entries/etc, I hope it's not annoying.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Wars. If I did, Piett and Needa might have lived. I rather liked them.

Firmus,

I heard you were promoted! Is this true? Call me!

Love,

Mom

* * *

Mom,

It's true. Can't talk now. Busy.

I love you, you know that, right?

Firmus

* * *

From the Desk of F. Piett

_Location: Nearing Hoth System_

_Rebels located. Attack planned. Mysterious Skywalker, destroyer of the Death Star, is a target. Wanted alive. Lord Vader has personally placed a bounty on his head – alive only. Not sure what this means, except that if I were to kill Skywalker, I might as well kill myself. I already embarrassed myself in front of the Dark Lord my first day aboard the Executor. I asked him if I could get him a drink at a staff meeting. I'm still not sure how I survived without more than a blank stare._

_More later_

_Location: Following a rebel ship_

_Adm. Ozzel is dead. I've been promoted. _

_I've already chewed three anti-nausea and three anti-anxiety tablets. It's no exaggeration to say that I may develop an ulcer or seven._

* * *

Hey Fir STOP Congrats on promotion STOP True it was from Vader himself? STOP Congrats from your anti-piracy buddies STOP

* * *

Attn: All

We shall not be holding a memorial service for Adm. Ozzel – finding the _Millennium Falcon_ is of greater importance. Instead a moment of silence will be held at dinner 0630 hours.

- Adm. Piett

* * *

Attn: All

The choking jokes are not appreciated, even in rec rooms. Anyone found making such jokes shall be demoted and put on garbage detail.

The dianogas are the only ones who appreciate such jokes.

Be considerate, if nothing else.

- Adm. Piett

* * *

Dear Mrs. Ozzel,

It is with great sympathy and sadness that I write to let you know of your husband's death. Unfortunately we are unable to make dock and therefore we cannot return his body to you. Rest assured it will be kept in our morgue until our mission ends.

My deepest condolences,

Admiral F. Piett

_Executor_

_For the Glory of the Emperor!_

* * *

DV to FP

_Explain why there will be a moment of silence at dinner tonight. Since when is incompetency admirable enough to warrant a token of remembrance?_

* * *

Attn: All

There will be no moment of silence held at dinner. Please see the Captain if there are any questions.

- Adm. Piett


	5. Frolicking in an Asteroid Field

Disclaimer: Same as usual, I don't own Star Wars.

Frolicking in an Asteroid Field

_Location: Asteroid Field_

Dear Admiral Piett,

Admirals get 50% off all drinks and rooms! Come to the luxurious Skyline Casino on Coruscant to celebrate your promotion!

Included is a gift certificate for 500 credits at the Sabacc tables – must be redeemed in one standard month*.

*Subject to changes, official ID required, offer not valid with other certificates

* * *

ATTN: All

Yes, we are going into an asteroid field. No, I don't want to hear about it.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

Poster in Rec Room:

_**LOOKING FOR SOME FUN?**_

_**PLACE YOUR BETS ON THE FALCON BETTING POOL!**_

_Great odds! Good fun! Plenty of money to be made!_

_Contact Lt. Cmdr. L. Xeris_

* * *

ATTN: All

NO BETTING ALLOWED

-Adm. Piett

* * *

To: Lt. Cmdr L.. Xeris

From: Adm. F. Piett

Put me down for twenty hours

* * *

To: Adm. F. Piett

From: Lt. Cmdr. L. Xeris

Sorry, sir, that's already been taken. I can put you down for twenty-one hours, if you'd like.

* * *

To: Lt. Cmdr. L. Xeris

From: Adm. F. Piett

Yes, that will be fine.

* * *

To: Adm. F. Piett

From: Lt. Cmdr. L. Xeris

Does this mean the betting pool's still on?

* * *

To: Lt. Cmdr. L. Xeris

From: Adm. F. Piett

Just don't tell Lord Vader

* * *

NOTICE: There will be no dessert or soup on account of asteroids colliding with our hull and maneuvers we may have to make. This is to avoid Corellian Spicy Pudding and/or vegetable stew on the walls. You're welcome.

* * *

Firmus,

I've heard horrible stories about admirals in the Imperial Navy! Are they true? What happened to Admiral Ozzel? Where are you?

Please call me!

Love,

Mom

* * *

DV to FP

_It has come to my attention that someone has posted a dartboard featuring Skywalker's face as the target. Find out who did this. Now._

* * *

ATTN: All

Would whoever designed the Skywalker-Dartboard please report to my office immediately?

-Adm. Piett

* * *

DV to FP

_Move Ensign Huru to the next squad to sweep the asteroid field._

* * *

ATTN: Pilots

The duty roster has been changed as per Lord Vader's instructions.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

To: Adm. F. Piett

From: Ens. I. Huru

BUT I'M NOT A PILOT!

* * *

To: Ens. I. Huru

From: Adm. F. Piett

Might I suggest you take it up with Lord Vader?

* * *

Dear Mrs. Piett,

This is your son's assistant. He's too busy to call you at the moment.

* * *

Who is this? Firmus, if you're trying to get out of calling your mother, you are in big trouble! Forget Darth Vader or the Emperor, you answer to me! CALL ME.

Love,

Mom

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

I'm doing my essay on the Imperial Navy. I'd been talking to Admiral Ozzel, but I've just received a message saying his account's been discontinued. What happened to him? Can I interview you instead?

Thank you,

Juli Tobb

Age 7


	6. Bounty on the Pranksters

Disclaimer: Still don't own anything...

Author's note: "YU" indicates Piett's current assistant

A Bounty on the Pranksters

Mom,

I have a new assistant. He's not used to communicating outside of orders. I'm sorry. I'll call when I can.

Love,

Firmus

* * *

ATTN: all

We are about to have company. Crew report to the docking bays.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

You can drop by sickbay whenever you're available today, sir. We'll make sure you're seen.

* * *

Docking Bay Control to FP

Six bounty hunters have arrived and are headed to the bridge. More expected.

* * *

FP to Docking Bay Control

Bounty hunters? If this a joke, Lord Vader isn't the only one capable of firing people.

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

Is the path ahead dark and lonely? Do you feel troubled? Well, the members of the Universal Light Church have felt that way too – but through fellowship and faith, have overcome these dark times. We extend an invitation to you to join us.

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

On behalf of the Brotherhood, I wish to extend an invitation to you. Our order has been around for over five thousand standard years and have helped many leaders follow the divine path. Please consider stopping or contacting us for more information.

Peace and blessings be upon you

The Brotherhood of the Divine

* * *

ATTN: All

It has come to my attention that there is a group on board interested in pranks. When caught, they will occupy a cell in the brig next to the rebels. With that in mind, stop sending me religious paraphernalia.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

FP to YU

Please investigate "Coruscant Life Mutual" and "Morriett Funeral Homes". Also, look into a better spam filter for my communications. And show more tact when sending communiqués to my mother.

* * *

YU to FP

But not the lawyers, sir? Shall I contact them about your will?

* * *

FP to YU

I already have a will and it's been updated. I have lawyers on my home planet. Let me know about that spam filter.

* * *

YU to FP

What about the casino? And your mother's requested you to contact her several times. She came through loud and clear, even with the asteroid interference. I see where you get your good looks ;)

* * *

FP to YU

Stop going through my messages and _THAT IS MY MOTHER!_

* * *

To: Admiral Piett, _Executor_

From: Captain Needa, _Avenger _

WE HAVE THE _FALCON_. PLEASE INFORM LORD VADER.

* * *

To: Capt. Needa, _Avenger_

From: Admiral Piett, _Executor_

Thank all the gods. It was a pain to undermine Kendal, but to have these bounty hunters on my bridge to do our job is insulting.

* * *

To: Capt. Needa, _Avenger_

From: Admiral Piett

Lorth? Lorth, are you there?

* * *

YU to FP

Yeah, Vader just tossed Needa out an airlock without opening a door. He's dead. Want me to draft a letter to his wife?

* * *

FP to YU

You? NO.

* * *

FP to YU

Please alert sickbay I am on my way.

* * *

YU to FP

Shall I ask your mom for instructions on caring for a sick admiral?

* * *

ATTN: All

There is a vacancy for my assistant. If interested, please submit inquiry to me.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

Medication Authorization provided for Adm. F. Piett. Anti-anxiety tablets, 15mg dosages, take as needed, may not exceed 150mg per day. Physical exercise and reading/journal writing also recommended to relieve stress.

* * *

Dear Juli,

I'm so sorry to report that Admiral Ozzel passed away. I would be more than happy to help you with your essay, but please note that it may take a while for me to respond.

I look forward to your questions!

Best wishes,

Admiral F. Piett

_Executor_

_Author's note: EDIT_

_I'm so sorry that I wrote "Vengeance" for Captain Needa's ship. It has been corrected. Thank you, Steven, for pointing it out! _


	7. A Forgery Most Unnecessary

Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Wars.

Author's note: PQ is Piett's new assistant. All specs/measurements for the _Executor_ are taken from Wookiepedia.

A Forgery Most Unnecessary

DV to FP

Set our course to Bespin

* * *

FP to Helm

Take us to Bespin, alert the rest of the Star Destroyers.

* * *

Helm to FP

Done, but why Bepin?

* * *

FP to Helm

It's what Lord Vader learned from the Bounty Hunters

* * *

Helm to FP

Then why didn't Lord Vader give me the order himself?

* * *

FP to Helm

I don't know. Why don't you suggest it to him?

* * *

Helm to FP

No, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

* * *

From the journal of F. Piett

_Now that we're on our way to Bespin, I finally have a break. I spoke at length to my mother about my promotion and while she's happy for me, she encouraged me to make sure my final affairs are in order. I told her they have been in order since I joined the Imperial Navy. In reality, they've been in order since I joined the anti-piracy group._

_I had to replace my assistant. It seems he thought I was much more lenient than Ozzel. I don't know where he got that idea._

_The doctor recommended I write in a journal and up my physical exercise to counter the stress of the job. That'll definitely help keep the ulcers at bay, but I'm not sure it'll be a great help. This Skywalker/Falcon business is very taxing. Even the crew is suffering. Since we're going to Bespin, I'm hopeful I can get a little shore leave for them. It's not like we're going to need to take the rebels anywhere quickly. _

_What, did the Emperor invite them for dinner? _

_This capture alive business worries me. What possible reason could we have to keep them alive? What information do they have that we need?_

_Either way, everything would go more smoothly if people would stop sending me prank messages. As if I go gambling, my name would not be on some tele-messanger's list. A funeral home making offers? I don't think so, not to the Imperial Navy. And my actual life insurance policy went up, because scumbags run insurance companies. The religious affiliation –_

_Just received mail delivered to my quarters. Now they're sending religious icons and jewelry! I told them to stop! This is ridiculous, we're the _Imperial Navy_, not the Rebel Alliance, my men should take orders!_

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

What do you do, exactly? What kind of mission are you on?

You know Darth Vader personally?! Can I have his autograph?

How many men serve onboard your Star Destroyer? Why is it called a Star Destroyer? Do you destroy stars?

How many rebels do you meet? Have you killed anyone?

How come women can't join the Empire? I want to serve, but my dad says it's only for men. That doesn't seem fair.

Did you know anyone on the Death Star? Why hasn't the rebel who destroyed it been captured?

-Juli

* * *

FP to DV

Sir, would it be possible to have you sign a form?

* * *

FP to PQ

I need you to look up Lord Vader's signature and prepare to forge it.

* * *

PQ to FP

Forgery? I thought I was your assistant! I don't want part of illegal operations! My mother would kill me!

* * *

PQ to FP

By the way, can I have shore leave when we reach Bespin?

* * *

FP to PQ

No.

* * *

PQ to FP

Fine, I'll forge Lord Vader's signature.

* * *

FP to PQ

That's more like it. Now, how about that spam filter?

* * *

ATTN: (undisclosed recipients)

Since nobody won the Falcon pool, all money goes to me, as per the terms.

* * *

FP to LX

All the money from the Falcon pool goes to Captain Needa's family.

* * *

LX to FP

I can't even keep a percentage?

* * *

FP to LX

How much did you take in?

* * *

LX to FP

About 15,000 credits

* * *

Lt. Cmdr. Xeris' permanent record:

_Serving a three day detention for illegal gambling on board the _Executor_._

* * *

FP to LX

How's that percentage?

* * *

From the journal of L. Xeris

_I hate my commanding officer._

* * *

Dear Juli,

As admiral, I am responsible for the fleet. It's like being the captain of more than one ship.

I am not at liberty to discuss my current mission, as it is still in process, but I can say it is of extreme importance to the Empire.

Yes, I know Lord Vader personally. We are currently on board the same ship. Attached to this message is the autograph you requested, he wishes you well and reminds you of the importance of school.

It is called a Star Destroyer because it contains enough power between our weaponry and manpower to destroy a star system, though they are actually for patrolling and peace keeping duties. It is a tactic designed to make our enemies think twice before attacking.

The Executor (named for a legal term which means "carry out", since it is Lord Vader's flagship and he carries out the orders of the Emperor) is a Dreadnought class Star Destroyer. We have a crew of 279,144 and 1,590 gunners, plus 10,000 droids. We can take around 38,000 passengers, but rarely do, given the importance of Lord Vader's missions.

I have personally met a few rebels, but don't keep track. I don't like to discuss the deaths of rebels, as I would prefer our Empire be at peace. But these scum don't seem to want that.

We don't accept women because we believe you need to be doing other jobs of equal importance.

I cannot speak about the Death Star. I'm sorry.

For the glory of the Empire!

Adm. Firmus Piett

* * *

DV to FP

_Of course. What do you need signed?_

* * *

PQ to FP

YOU'RE TELLING ME I FORGED LORD VADER'S SIGNATURE AND HE WOULD HAVE SIGNED IT ANYWAY? WHAT DID I FORGE? AM I GOING TO DIE?


	8. He's Alive

Disclaimer: Star Wars isn't mine. This isn't for profit.

He's Alive!

Location: Cloud City, Bespin

To: Repair Crew

From: Adm. F. Piett

Make sure the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive is deactivated.

* * *

Deliver to Adm. F. Piett: (1) Cloudless Sunrise cocktail, (1) plate of assorted fruits, (2) boxes of assorted candies, and (5) handmade signs reading "CAUTION: CHOKING HAZARD"

* * *

PQ to FP

Thanks for the shore leave! It was great!

* * *

FP to PQ

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Kindly send me all your receipts.

* * *

PQ to FP

Um, attached, sir, but please don't judge the sparkly dress's price. It's for my girlfriend's sister.

* * *

FP to PQ

I don't care about that. But really, this had better be some dress, you paid 150 credits for it?

* * *

PQ to FP

You can't put a price on romance, sir. Whatever it takes to win my girl's heart, even if it's buying presents for her family.

* * *

FP to PQ

Yes, you can. Unless this dress has precious stones, you paid too much.

* * *

ATTN: All

SHORE LEAVE IS CANCELLED. All those returning must submit their receipts to me.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

PQ to FP

With all due respect, sir, aren't you single?

* * *

ATTN: All

The position for admiral's assistant is once again open.

-Adm. Piett

* * *

To: Adm. F. Piett

From: Repair Crew

The hyperdrive's all set!

* * *

To: Repair Crew

From: Adm. F. Piett

How exactly did you deactivate it? I need documentation supplied as well. Make sure your names are on there, and legible.

* * *

To: Adm. F. Piett

From: Repair Crew

Deactivate? But…it was already malfunctioning? We fixed it?

* * *

To: Repair Crew

From: Adm. F. Piett

THEN DEACTIVATE IT, YOU FOOLS, WHY WOULD YOU REPAIR A REBEL SHIP? You're all on trash duty for the next month. Deactivate it, send proof, and I'll be out to inspect it myself!

* * *

From the desk of Adm. F. Piett

_Thankfully Lord Vader didn't need me for most of his business on Bespin. I only know that I need to make sure the Millennium Falcon's hyperdrive won't work. Whatever his plan is, I don't know, and unless he decides I need to know, I'm just going to take direction. It'll work better that way._

_The first rounds of shore leave sent me some presents. I only objected to the "choking hazard" signs, but the drink and candy were nice._

_Sadly for them, the signs made me cancel shore leave. They will learn to respect me, one way or another._

_I called my parents and my friends, thanked them for their messages, and now I have to find a replacement for my assistant. We'll see how that goes._

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GETTING LORD VADER'S AUTOGRAPH! HE'S MY HERO!

I turned in my essay, we'll see how it goes!

Thanks,

Juli

PS. Would you say 'hi' to Lord Vader for me?

* * *

Location: Bespin system

From the desk of Admiral F. Piett

_I_

_I am alive._

_The rebels escaped._

_And I heard Lord Vader talking to himself, pretending to be talking to Skywalker…_

_…and somehow I am alive._

_This calls for a celebration! But I can't look happy, the rebels escaped!_

_But WHO CARES? **I AM STILL ALIVE!**_

* * *

FP to DV

I just wanted to let you know, sir, that you are a little girl's hero. She wanted me to tell you hello. Her name is Juli Tobb.

* * *

DV to FP

_I don't have time for this nonsense_.

* * *

Dear Juli,

I understand you have been communicating with Admiral Piett. I wished to send you a message of my own. I hope you did well on your essay, it will bring pride to the Empire if you did.

May the Force be with you,

Darth Vader

_Executor_

* * *

Dear Lord Vader,

HI! You are amazing! You know that right? I would love it if you were my dad – I love my dad very much, but he is not as amazing as you! I want to be just like you, how do I become a Sith? What's your favorite holo-vid? I love The Gundark Explorer.

Love,

Juli

PS. Why does your signature look different?

* * *

Dear Admiral Piett,

We have fixed the security bug in your message system. You should no longer receive spam mail.

If you need anything else, let us know!

- Tech Support


End file.
